This is a continuation of my stoic text thread where I discuss stoicism. You can see the first texts here and the second here.
10/16/23
In September of 2000, I moved to Columbus AFB, Mississippi.
A couple of weeks later, my husband followed.
He moved all of our stuff in…
We unpacked every box….
And then he told me he’d found someone else and was leaving.
The next day, he packed up his stuff, put it back in the U-Haul, and left.
Imagine… spending the next few months going through (arguably) the world’s toughest pilot training program–with your head FRIMLY stuck in the past.
ALL THAT REGRET…
What could I have done differently?
Why didn’t I see the signs of him cheating?
Why was I not good enough?
Why am I rolling the airplane onto the final approach 15 knots below approach speed?!?! FUCK I’m going to stall…
(Don’t worry, I survived)
Why am I telling you this story?
I’m not telling you this story so you feel bad for me or say, “Poor Jody.”
I’m telling you this story because we ALL have stories like this.
We’ve all made decisions we regret.
We all “I wish,” “what-if,” and “If only” ourselves to death.
But what if it didn’t have to be that way?
What if you give yourself a little grace instead of all of that?
What if you realize that in that moment, you regret you made the ONLY decision you could have made.?
You reacted the only way you could have.
And you did the only thing you could have done.
Because that is exactly what you did…
You made your decisions based on everything you knew at the time. Every experience you ever had. Every want, need, and desire. EVERYTHING that made you…you.
There was no other option.
It turned out the only way it could have.
So why does your “present self” (with a completely different life experience) get to say you were wrong or should have done something different? Or even desire a different outcome?
Just something to think about until tomorrow…
“Begin at once to live, and count each separate day as a separate life.”—Seneca
10/17/23
Words you should never say on an airplane…
I had the opportunity to fly two different airplanes in the military.
One was the KC-135.
The KC-135 was a flying gas station. We refueled planes in the air.
The other was the C-130.
The C-130 was a “trash hauler”. We moved cargo and troops—and either dropped them out the back door on the ground… or kicked them out the back door in the air.
In both of these planes, we had words we were never to use…unless it was time to use those words.
In the KC-135, the word was “breakaway.”
When anyone said the word breakaway during air refueling, it triggered an emergency procedure. And you had to do the emergency procedure instantly to avoid a collision.
In the C-130, the word was “green.”
During an airdrop, we would say “green light” when it was time to eject the cargo from the plane.
Not something you want to do at the wrong time!
Learning not to say those words accidentally was hard.
If you slipped up it resulted in the military’s favorite instruction technique…
… good old sarcasm and ridicule…
…AND owing an entire crew drinks.
Why am I telling you this?
Because we all have words that we use that hold us back—and even cause an emergency in our mind when it isn’t necessary.
Especially words that slip in that keep us stuck in the past, reliving regret, or even attempting to override reality.
Words like “should”, for example.
“That shouldn’t have happened…” (But it did)
“She should have done that…” (But she did)
“He shouldn’t have cut me off…” (But he did)
You get the idea.
And when we fight reality instead of accepting it (or even loving it) it leads to frustration.
It makes it harder to let things go.
Harder to not have an opinion.
Harder to find peace in what is.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Because just like saying “breakaway” or “green light” at the wrong time can lead to unintended consequences…
…so can our mental language trigger unnecessary distress.
And our mental language is something we can control.
So if you can find those trigger words, and eliminate them, you can navigate life’s challenges more effectively.
Remember, it’s not the external events, but our judgments about them, that cause us distress.
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” – Marcus Aurelius
10/18/23
I’ve spent a lot of time talking about the past.
I’ve spent a lot of time because all that shame and regret can weigh you down… depress you… and hold you back.
But I believe the future is harder to deal with than the past.
Why?
Now, I’m only a “professional, amateur brain doctor,” but it’s been my experience that even if you have shame and regret, you can still move forward.
You can ignore it…
You can find ways to avoid it…
You can overcome it with a bit of thought and self-care…
Heck, some of it even fades with time…
But when you attach too much hope or desire in the future?
It traps you in a cage of fear and anxiety.
And fear and anxiety are hard to turn off.
Living in a state of anxiety and fear about the future keeps you from doing new things…
It keeps you from taking risks.
It keeps you from being vulnerable.
It keeps you from connecting with others deeply.
It keeps you from living a full and meaningful life.
So, how do we break free from this cage of fear and anxiety?
Here is a quote from the Stoic philosopher Epictetus that I find helpful:
“Don’t demand that things happen as you wish, but wish that they happen as they do happen, and you will go on well.”
It means that we should not be attached to specific outcomes.
When we are too attached to specific outcomes, we set ourselves up for disappointment. We are also more likely to experience fear and anxiety.
Instead, we should focus on doing our best and letting go of the rest.
This means accepting that we cannot control everything in life.
It also means accepting that things may not always go our way.
When we focus on doing our best and letting go of the rest, we can live our lives to the fullest.
We can take risks, be vulnerable, and connect with others deeply. We can also live with purpose and passion.
Ultimately, we should focus on doing our best and let the universe take care of the rest.
10/19/23
When you worry over the future you open yourself up to anxiety and fear.
Especially fear of loss.
Loss of something you want.
Loss of something you have.
It doesn’t matter.
But what’s the difference between losses you already suffered in the past–and imagined losses in the future?
It’s simple.
You already survived the loss in the past.
You found a way to keep moving forward.
You did what you needed to do.
And maybe some days it doesn’t feel that way.
Maybe those old losses pop back up.
But you still made it.
And I think there is something to take from that.
Something to help you worry less about the future.
Just remember you suffered losses before.
But you had the strength in you already to get through it.
You can do it again.
“Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.”
–Marcus Aurelius
10/20/23
If we aren’t supposed to worry about the future, how can we plan or have goals?
You can, and you should have goals.
Goals give you clarity and purpose.
So, the problem isn’t having goals—the problem is being attached to the outcome of those goals.
When you are attached to future outcomes, that is where the fear and anxiety come in and hold you back.
But here’s the real secret of setting anxiety-free goals…
Accomplishing goals doesn’t happen in the future.
It happens in the present.
Because that’s where the action takes place.
For example.
Instead of focusing on the novel, a writer focuses on writing the next word.
Instead of focusing on losing 30lbs, the dieter focuses on the next meal.
You get the idea.
When you focus on the next step in the process, you stay grounded in the now.
And the now is where you always want to be.
10/21/23
Happy Saturday. I’m just going to leave you with a quote that matches the theme of the week to think about today.
“What I advise you to do is, not to be unhappy before the crisis comes…some things torment us more than they ought; some torment us before they ought; and some torment us when they ought not to torment us at all. We are in the habit of exaggerating, or imagining, or anticipating, sorrow.” — Seneca
10/22/23
How’s your journal coming along?
You don’t have to answer that.
As I was writing in mine this morning, I thought about how
important my journal is to me.
It’s where I find peace in all the chaos of life.
It’s where I work through so many emotions and problems.
And it’s where I learn to be more stoic each day.
But while reminiscing over how much I loved journaling, a little voice in my head said…
“But don’t you get tired of relearning all this stuff, day after day, week after week?”
And that voice was right.
It was right because I’d NEVER reviewed what I’d written in my journal.
I write all these things down about my pains and frustrations…
…what I’m grateful for…
….the lessons I learned that day…
…warnings about my weaknesses…
…reminders of my strengths…
…and hundreds of lessons I’ve learned about being stoic…
But I never review them.
So, I find myself having to relearn every lesson over and over.
And making the same mistakes time and again.
At least until my brain finally catches on and remembers.
(and let’s face it… That’s like trying to shape granite with a chainsaw.)
How did the Stoics avoid this?
Seneca journaled in the morning to prepare for his day and at night to review what he’d learned.
Marcus Aurelius often left himself notes in his journal about what he’d learned that day… where he’d failed… how to do better…
….and he reviewed them.
So, this week, I will start reviewing a random section of my journal each night before bed.
And before I start writing each morning, I will review the previous day’s entry.
If you journal, try it and tell me how it changes your experience.
And if you don’t journal…
It’s never too late to start.
“For someone like me, it is a very strange habit to write in a diary. Not only that I have never written before, but it strikes me that later neither I, nor anyone else, will care for the outpouring of a thirteen year old schoolgirl.” — Anne Frank
10/23/23
You may have noticed by now that Stoicism isn’t easy.
But Life isn’t easy.
Living a good life isn’t easy.
And if you look back on your life was there anything meaningful that you didn’t have to work for?
For the most part our lives are filled with obstacles. Pain. And the only road is the hard road.
Stoicism just gives you the tools to face it.
Either you persevere or you won’t.
But you can endure anything by thinking it’s endurable.
“Everything that happens is either endurable or not. If it’s endurable, then endure it. Stop complaining. If it’s unendurable… then stop complaining. Your destruction will mean its end as well. Just remember: you can endure anything your mind can make endurable, by treating it as in your interest to do so. In your interest, or in your nature.” — Marcus Aurelius
10/24/23
Arguing has turned into a full-contact sport.
Society teaches us every belief and value we hold is a matter of life or death.
That our every opinion matters (and should be respected and valued).
And that if someone holds a different belief than you, they are your enemy.
Not to mention the psychological need to vent our anger, be heard, and feel seen.
And maybe you think I’m gonna tell you the Stoic answer is not to argue?
But I’m not.
If you are arguing for the sake of arguing? That’s a no-go.
Venting your anger and frustration at someone? Nope.
Acting out because something “triggered” you or hurt you? None of that, either.
But standing up for what’s right, sharing your view with clarity and calmness—and knowing when to step back is fine.
The Stoics participated in politics, debated other philosophical schools… and lived in the real world with conflict. (just like anyone else)
But they were cautious about arguing.
They reminded us it’s important to remember that arguing is often unnecessary and unhelpful and can harm our relationships.
So, choose your battles wisely.
Not every argument is worth having.
And if you can avoid arguing, do so.
But if you must argue—be clear about your goals.
Remember that you cannot control other people’s opinions or beliefs.
They have to want to hear your message… and they have to want to change.
And no argument will really fix your anger or pain.
So, focus on what you can control, such as your thoughts, words, and actions.
And if you find yourself slipping…
If you start to lose control…
Count to ten…
Stop and breathe…
And remember, you can remove yourself from the situation, ESPECIALLY if it is destructive or abusive.
You don’t have to keep fighting.
And yeah, I know this is hard…. especially when emotions are high.
But every word you speak and every action you take is a choice.
So the next time you find yourself in the heat of the moment, poised for battle, ask yourself—is this fight worth my peace of mind?
Is it worth the potential fallout?
If the answer is no, take a step back, breathe, and walk away.
If it is… then stand your ground, but let your words be guided by calmness and reason, not anger.
“The best way to argue is not to argue at all. Avoid the very occasion of such conflicts. If you can, withdraw from the scene entirely. If that is not possible, then try to change the subject. Nothing is easier than to start an argument, but nothing is more difficult than to end it.”-Seneca
10/26/23
It’s been one of those days.
Still behind on client work? Good. We can learn to manage our calendar better.
Have to go to work tomorrow? Good. We can be sure we don’t get rusty.
Five places I need to be? Good. We can get better at appreciating where we’re at.
Every stop light is red? Good. We can breathe and practice being in the moment.
Too much to do before bedtime? Good. We can figure out what really needs to be done.
Amot Fati… (love your fate)
“It’s unfortunate that this has happened. No. It’s fortunate that this has happened and I’ve remained unharmed by it—not shattered by the present or frightened of the future. It could have happened to anyone. But not everyone could have remained unharmed by it.” Marcus Aurelius
10/27/25
So I was in an Uber to the airport at 3:30am this morning…
Off in the distance I could see the “Vegas Sphere” lit up looking like a little moon.
For those who don’t know, the Vegas Sphere is a giant sphere shaped concert venue covered in LED lights.
At night the lights display all kinds of neat images.
A few months ago my family visited and they LOVED the sphere. In fact they went to watch it more than once.
I mentioned the sphere to the Uber driver and she let me know in no uncertain terms that she did not like it.
In fact she lived near it and was going to move.
Curious, I asked her why.
She said the first time she saw it lit up it looked like a giant eyeball… and that’s how she knew they were watching her…
Then she told me she heard the ceiling was filled with robots… and she didn’t want to be near there when they went nuts.
(Don’t worry she was a lovely lady and a good driver)
But what struck me was the contrast between her experience and my family’s experience.
One group saw the Sphere as an exciting experience they loved…
The other a giant Terminator eyeball to fear…
And this is just an example of how the stories we tell ourselves create our reality.
“External things are not the problem. It’s your assessment of them. Which you can erase right now.” – Marcus Aurelius.
10/28/23
What is stoicism to you?
Are you here just to support me?
Are your here reading this as a daily motivation?
That’s fine if you are.
I hope it helps.
But it can be so much more.
If you make it a daily practice.
A set of rules to live by.
Rule to help you be a better person and live a better life.
Rules to help you beat anxiety and stress.
Rules to help you overcome difficult people and situations.
And rules to help you unlock joy, happiness, and gratitude… despite what life throws at you.
How do you start?
Come up with a set of stoic rules to follow.
Practice.
Fail.
Keep going.
Always keep going.
“Stop wandering about! You aren’t likely to read your own notebooks, or ancient histories, or the anthologies you’ve collected to enjoy in your old age. Get busy with life’s purpose, toss aside empty hopes, get active in your own rescue-if you care for yourself at all-and do it while you can.” -Marcus Aurelius
10/29/23
How much of your life do others rob from you?
I’m not just talking about face to face conflict.
How much time do you give them in your mind?
How much time do you think about… fight with… and reimagine conflicts with people who aren’t there…
Or how much time do you spend complaining about them to others?
Complaining is easy.
It’s as natural to us as breathing.
But has it ever changed anything?
Solved a problem?
Made it easier?
Probably not.
And sure, I can tell you to not complain.
Or only focus on what you control.
But I know it’s not easy.
That’s why I try to remember that all complaining does is steal seconds of my life.
And rob me of the things that matter…. Or the chance to focus where I can make a difference for myself and others.
I don’t know if what helps me will help you.
But try to find something that works for you so you can let go of the things you don’t control. And stop others from stealing your life and your time.
“When you wake up in the morning, tell yourself: The people I deal with today will be meddling, ungrateful, arrogant, dishonest, jealous and surly… None of them can hurt me. Don’t waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people… It will keep you from doing anything useful. Why do you complain rather than act?” —Marcus Aurelius
10/30/23
Am I a psychopath?
Okay, that may be a little out of context.
Let me set the stage…
I’ve found a YouTube channel where a lovely lady named Adrian teaches yoga.
Yoga is great for staying flexible and strong… so I need to do it.
But here’s the thing about yoga I don’t like…
How do I say this…
It makes me ANGRY.
(cue the psycho music)
That’s right… this meditative art that millions of people do to relax and become one with the universe…
…routinely makes me lose my F’n mind!
Why?
Because yoga forces you to sit in discomfort AND be present with your emotions.
Which probably makes it the best stoic training tool for me.
Why? Because I’d rather deal with an unpleasant person all day than with my emotions.
Now, every lesson doesn’t do this to me–especially once I master the stretches.
But there’s one in particular that makes me angry every time.
I even know the places in the video where it happens.
I tell myself it’s coming.
And the first few “triggering” clips of the video, I breathe my way through.
BUT inevitably, I find myself spewing out a string of expletives at this sweet woman that would make a sailor blush! (I’m so sorry, Adrian)
Now I could quit doing the video…
Avoid the things that “trigger” me…
And chalk up one less failure for the day.
But I don’t.
I don’t because the easy way doesn’t help me build the mental muscles I need when dealing with the hard things in life.
So, I play the video. And keep trying.
“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.”
― Marcus Aurelius
10/31/23
Not having an opinion about the things I don’t control seems logical.
It’s logical that I don’t have control over the thoughts of others.
Or that I don’t have control over what they think…or what they do.
And I do an excellent job of letting most things go.
But then there are still a few things that instantly ignite my anger.
And I’ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out why some things are so “triggering.”
And I hate what I discovered.
It’s a nasty word.
A word that no one likes.
Entitlement.
There are issues in my life where I still feel ENTITLED to be heard.
ENTITLED to an apology.
Or even ENTITLED to make someone feel as bad as they made me feel.
IF ONLY THEY’D SEE THINGS THE WAY I DO!!!
But entitlement is a lie that keeps me trapped.
No one OWES me a thing.
No one has to see things my way.
And to get angry or seek revenge won’t fix anything…in fact, it will make it worse.
But why is it so hard to give up entitlement?
Is it because entitlement is intertwined with our ego?
Or because we’ve tied our self-worth and validation to others?
Or how others respond to us?
This is where the twisted knot of entitlement begins to reveal itself.
Entitlement is a deceptive whisper that convinces us our value hinges on external validation–and that justice must unfold according to OUR personal script.
But that’s a trap.
We imprison ourselves with our own expectations when we cling to this belief.
But these expectations are just opinions you can change.
So, pause and remind yourself you can’t control others’ actions or opinions, but you can control how you respond.
And remember, just because someone doesn’t apologize doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid.
Just because someone doesn’t see things your way doesn’t mean you don’t matter.
And other’s actions or opinions don’t determine your worth–YOU decide your worth.
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” -Marcus Aurelius.